Just fell off a train. Bad.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
His hands were made for my vagina.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
