You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
