I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
