If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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