All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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