My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
