I'm so fucking centered right now
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
