If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize