they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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