my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
