You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
he just fucked me for my cheese.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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