So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
