3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We have so much sex to catch up on
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
