how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
