I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
