He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
