i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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