I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
