Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
