I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
