Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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