Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
