Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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