My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
