What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
