Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
