I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
