Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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