Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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