in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
