coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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