Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
