I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
