just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
