Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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