we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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