I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize