Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
