whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
