I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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