You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
