i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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