I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize