My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
