so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
