I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
