I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
