Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
