I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
