my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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