How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
