Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
