Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
