I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
