i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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