i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
my liver is dry heaving
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
